Get over yourself!!!!

Ok.....Racist halloween costumes....Are you fucking kidding me???? I am so over the masses crying how they have been wronged in some ungodly way. Try growing up fat for fucks sake. Muslims are mad at people wearing a turban for Halloween. Here is a big fucking news flash for you....People dress up for Halloween here in America. We have been doing this since the 1930's I think. Men dress like women, women dress like men, white men paint themselves black, black men paint themselves white, whores become nuns, christians dress like hookers, and so on. GET OVER IT!!! This is not racism. My god....I am so sick and tired of your little whining asses all over my world. If you do not like the way things are done...here is the beauty of this country....you can leave, you can shut your house up and not participate, and in the end you have the right to bitch about it.....As long as you are a citizen...you are a citizen right?? Then you must be here for a reason. How about I go to your country and live, then start bitching about the way you do things?? I do not think I would...I think that I would have the mental capacity to understand that I was not a national and therefore really did not have a say....Just sayin....SHUT THE HELL UP!!! I heard on the news last night that a Catholic University (who allowed people of all religions to attend) was asked by the Muslim community to take down the pictures of Jesus and the crucifixes...As they are offensive to them. MY god are you kidding me??? How about we go into your all muslim school and paste up a big star of David??? HUH??? Again refer to above.....If you do not like something in this country you do not have to do it...You can actually pick another school.....GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!!! I guess I am done for now.....One last thing...If you are living in this country because it is superior to your own country.....You must see the greatness that is America...For all of her good and bad she is utterly amazing and you are blessed to be here...SO quit your bitching....we let you come....we welcome you with open arms....I do believe in my heart that the biggest majority of the population is alot like me...I hate people because they are assholes....not because they are muslims.

WOW

I am here to empty my head. I have so many thoughts swirling that if I do not dispel them I may explode. First and foremost I am unemployed. I worked at the same job for the past 8 years. It is not so much the lack of money that is devastating, but the lack of purpose. I mean, I know I am worth something....but, it just does not seem as rewarding. Perspective I guess. I went to the same place, worked with the same people, did relatively the same things for a lot of years....now I don't. It is almost like the loss of a love......On to bigger and better things I guess. I miss it though....god, I miss it. Next I want to address adult women with male children. The infamous daughter in-law......Wow....What a ride this has been.....LORD. Having to actually love someone you did not pick....I know sounds incredibly selfish right?? I think that this girl is the most poison thing my son has ever gotten himself into. Lesson for the year....Denise keep your fat mouth shut, and keep your big ass out of their business!!! Even though I think I am helping, I honestly have ideas and experience that wraps circles around their whirlwind 2 minute romance.....that being said they still do not want to hear my words of wisdom.....MY BAD LOL.....For petes sake if you do not want to hear my honest opinion please quit inundating me with information, and crying about what is going on.....I am a mother...NOT A THERAPIST!! I only have my own experiences to draw from, and your lack of therein makes me right...right?? HA! Last time I go without sleep because of you. Scattered ranting right?? I have started to forget what day it is....one blends into the next......I only know its the weekend because Jeff does not go to work...When the paychecks come I know it is around the first of the month....or the middle....I have gotten better at housekeeping....I am not sure if that's good or bad.....I cook big meals now....I have gained most of the 40 pounds I have lost....I think deep down I am just a miserable cow......Now on to the court thing....The 400 dollar car, that will surely cost me 25000....no one else seems to work long enough to pay.....I am excited for it to be done....It has caused me more than a few sleepless evenings.....GET YOUR JUDGMENT......I did not do it, I was not there, I find this to be the biggest travesty of justice and misuse of the United States court system....but, whatever..I will fight until the end, and when we lose, which I am sure we will, I will know that I did my best to fight the ugly and totally unfair!!!! Boo Hoo Hoo Poor Denise....On to loyalty....WHY is this so hard for some??? I mean...REALLY??? I figure if you ride that fence your entire life and never, ever jump off....what the hell do you have to look back on and be proud of??? I once stood up for a man I did not even know....in the fallout I lost a damn good job, people I thought were my friends, and myself......Today I think back on that time and I am so damned proud of myself. I am proud that good or bad I was loyal to myself no matter the consequence. I have a lot of those types of times in my life....I also have alot of wacky times when I thought I was right and I had gone round the bend for a minute....oh well, live and learn......In search of the substance that will surely make my life meaningful....I do love my husband, and I am sure he loves me. I have 3 beautiful children who each bring their own bag of tricks to my table....they are unique and different....I love them all so very much....I have 2 beautiful grand boys who are the absolute love of my life....I have baby mama who claims the twins are ours....who just may move to North Dakota because welfare is higher there.....yep, you read right.....All that being said things are good. The occassional kook in my head has the fleeting opportunity to ruin everything but I strive to keep it contained :)....My hope for today is my sister gets and job and moves out of my house. I am tired of living with you. I am tired of sharing my things with you. I am tired of being your mother, I have raised my children...leave me alone, I am tired..........Gotta go make the bed.......

Debt

I feel like things are closing in on me. I have so much stress it almost literally weighs something. Not only the feeling of it, but actual weight on my body. Do you ever think that possibly you just may explode, or even implode?? Everyone looks to me as this rock they can count on. I am sick of it. Unplug from my brain would you!?!? The link up is surely complete by now, please leave me alone. I am so tired of the constant stress. I do not think I can even cope with my own existence sometimes. To add to the constant stress of it I hate our debt. It makes me so upset I want to run. I want to just move. Maybe after a couple years they would find me, but those years would surely be better right?? I hate the fucking IRS. I am so tired of owing those mother fuckers anything. I am so sad that I work so hard, and I pay. Meanwhile, a guy at my work has 5 kids is on welfare, and got nearly 10thousand back this year. So let me get this straight...You work one job, your wife stays at home with the kids, I pay taxes for your food and medical throughout the year, literally supporting you....Now at the end of the year I pay, and even though you paid 500 to federal you get back 10 thousand??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Would someone please send me a few bucks so I can pay off all my bills and do away with this stress monster?? THANks!!

What is "full" ?

In my travels to try to eat less, and eat better I have stumbled upon the state of "full". I guess up until now for me "full" is a place where you may need to unbutton your jeans. "full" means laying in bed miserable, barely able to turn over, having to eat tums to control my out of control indigestion. "full" is the most wonderfully miserable place that I know. Lately, in trying to eat better and cut my portions I am never "full". By my old expectations that feeling has yet to creep anywhere into my psyche. How is it that you train your old fat brain that you have eaten enough and you truly are "full". I suppose the new me may become full instead of "full". Perhaps I will someday come to realize that it is OK to not be miserable after eating. After all, we cannot live without the big demon food. Somewhere I need to learn the lesson that full and satisfied are truly the same thing. I suppose this is try number 256,000 to actually do something about my big ass. What a frigging struggle. Hopefully one of these days I just may do it, and hopefully try number 256,000 is the last one I need. Alas, If it's not, my butt will stay big and Jeff will continue to love it, and for that I am pissed, and so damned grateful. Six pounds down today......Go me!!!!

Gravy Boat

Reasons I am enormous number 126,242: Gravy!!! Nuf Said!!!! Today my boss called from a little breakfast restaurant and asked if she could pick me up anything. I jumped at the chance to lose myself in Bacon and eggs with a biscuit and gravy. Please know that the biscuits at this restaurant are the size of a cinder block and the gravy is tooooo die for....You feeling me?? Anyways, about 1 minute before my boss is to arrive with my heart healthy meal, my lovely husband arrives at my work just to say HI......All I can think of is DAMMMMITTT I do not want to share my heart healthy meal with him!!! Fat girl thinking 101....I would share anything I have with this man, but stay the hell off my gravy friend!!! So, low and behold my food gets here and it is in two to-go containers.(YAY :)) One holds bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. The other is the enormous biscuit with enough gravy to float a battleship. I want to cry because Jeff is here!!! Somehow in my pea brain I Need ALL this food!!! SICK!!!! After I threw myself to the ground and threw a temper tantrum in my mind, I shared my meal with Jeff, and there was food left over after both of us ate. Had I been here alone I guarantee I would have consumed all of it!! What in the hell is wrong with me?? I do not want to be fat!!! I do not do anything about it though!!! I must be ok with being fat...right?? Here's to trying to develop new habits. Here's to sharing your meal with others!!! It's o.k. fatty, there will be enough for you! I am currently starting a petition to outlaw gravy in the United States. And, perhaps biscuits too. Wish me luck!!

Do ya ever???

Do you ever wish you could just run away?? Just get in your car and end up god knows where?? Ever wish you could just put everyone you love in freeze mode and take a couple weeks for yourself?? Ever get so frigging tired that you just can't sleep?? Ever have so much of any one thing that you feel like you could vomit for a solid year??? Ever find out that everything you have been thinking might not be exactly what is actually going on?? Ever wanted to go fly a kite on a sandy beach where no one knows where you are?? Ever think of how it might be if you were finally alone for once?? Ever wake up and be so thankful for every single solitary disruption your family causes?? Ever feel so incredibly guilty for wishing you could be alone?? I do.

Old Friends

It's funny how at one point in your life your friends are everything and your lives are hopelessly tangled with each others. Then with the blink of an eye you have no idea what is going on with one another. I have kept in contact with a few of my girlfriends through the years. One in particular I talk with almost every day, still. A few I talk with about monthly, and wish it was more. The relationships I have forged with these women has seen me through a good portion of my life. I love them, they are my chosen family. Sisters who I got to pick out for my very own. A blessing beyond comprehension. A special gift that I cherish with every single breath I take. I try to never take them for granted, and know in my heart they love me as very much as I love them.
That being said I also have male friends that I have had for a number of years. I do not talk with them like my girls. Seems I put out the effort and the men just don't. Just like real life! HAHA.... At any rate, I got a call last night from a male friend. Someone I have kept in contact with off and on since I was 16 years old. I was elated to hear his voice. We talked and laughed and reminisced for about an hour. So much has happened in our lives since we talked last. We hung up and I was left with sorrow. My friend is so different. My friend is not the same as I left him. My friend is addicted to drugs. I think my friend may be killing himself. I love the him I knew so much!! I am not sure if I love the current him with that much of a fever. Do I rush in to save him like I would if it were one of my girls? Do I let his wife sort out what surely is not my problem?? I slept restlessly knowing that I was so damn worried about him. My heart is full of sorrow and so very heavy today. He knows he has a problem. Did he call me to reach out for help?? I spoke with him frankly about the drugs I heard in his voice. I begged him to get help and he assured me he would. Still....I have the worst feeling in the pit of my belly. I guess for now I will let it be. I will keep in touch a bit more. I will pray for my friend to get help and happiness in his life. I hope my friend knows that I do love him, and will be filled with faith beyond belief that he finds a way to be comfortable in this thing we call life.